Filed under: 1
Patty always wanted to soar above everyone else. Her work was tainted with her sweat and blood. Her test scores never failed to trample all the others. And yet, they would never be perfect. They would never be perfect unless the other was not. The significant other would be her nemesis, her arch rival. Bianca.
Whenever a piece of gossip related to her perfect score leaked out, it was always evident that it was about Bianca. Eyes would follow her in fear and reverence as she strode past. Underclassmen would beg at her feet for help with a math question. Teachers would refer her to students who needed some tutoring. Her good-natured and friendly character only made the whole community love her more. She was the school idol. Patty wanted to smash her worshiped statue into a million little pieces with a hellish jealousy enough to set the school on fire. Her mind started to churn with thoughts only the devil’s could compare.
The day before Orensky’s chemistry test, the sun cast a bright light over the school. Vibrant colors burst out from the green grass in the field and the red hot track. People were wearing smiles as if the test was nonexistent. Bianca was studying in the library. Perfect. Patty couldn’t have asked for a better day.
Bianca was sitting in the corner table rigorously studying as usual. When she figured out a problem, a curled smile appeared on her face as if chemistry was just oh, a piece of cake. Patty winced at Bianca’s stupid smile as she approached her. Across from Patty sat Bianca and her best friend. She asked if she could join them in studying. With a sickeningly sweet smile, Bianca answered her why yes, of course. Patty felt like she was drowning in molasses. But she couldn’t let her emotions overwhelm her at that point in time. She waited. And waited….until finally, Bianca and her best friend got out of their chairs and announced that they would be visiting the snack bar. Action time.
Patty eyed their figures until they had completely gone down the stairs. Bianca’s chemistry notebook lay naked in front of her very eyes, as vulnerable as any other notebook. With a single movement, Patty grabbed Bianca’s notebook, heaved her backpack onto her shoulder, and fled. With as much calm composure as she could muster, she sauntered past the guard gate and onto the sidewalk outside the school. She took out the lighter she had bought just for this purpose, just this second. With a snap, a flame voraciously licked the edges of the notebook, and the pages curled helplessly like the dying leaves on the sidewalk. In a casual swipe of the arm, Patty flung the burning notebook into the trash can. There it lay amongst the trash. All of Bianca’s thoughts and words becoming nothing.
Perfection reduced to ashes.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Epistaxis
It started with a trickle. Then with a small nudge to the nose, the vessel broke once again and a river of blood came surging out. Big splotches of blood dripped onto the floor as I quickly guided my nose over to the trash can. I tried the pinching method. I tried the thumb method. I even used a stopwatch to time the ten minutes recommended. Those ten minutes made me feel so nasty. The nose became numb and sticky inside and the only way to breathe was through the mouth. It made me feel like I was drowning. In blood.
Incidentally, none of the foolproof nosebleed-stopping methods worked. Maybe I was special. They say everyone’s unique. This must be my unfortunate unique trait. Each time I let go, a pool of blood flooded out anew. Hopeless, I just waited for my nose to bleed and clog itself up. At first, the volume of blood that I saw myself losing from the nosebleed freaked me out, but the second time it gushed out like that, it was pretty cool. All the tissues I used were stained a bright red.
Migraines/Tension Headaches
As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been having a slight problem with headaches. The situation right now hasn’t gotten any better. In fact, I seem to get one everyday and it is always located on the back right part of my head. Waves of dull pain roll in and out. The pain spreads to my right ear sometimes as if it hasn’t tortured me enough.
No pain, no gain… Right.
Work
The cause of all the above.
I woke up everyday at a startlingly early hour to start my work, and my nose blood vessels broke in protest.
I thought and contemplated and wrote so much, and yet the headaches returned in increasing quantity and quality.
I forced my five clumsy phalanges into executing a nice piece on the violin, and my knuckles started hurting.
Is there no justice left in this world?
Optimism
It always works with the worst case scenario: I could have procrastinated and played msn games 24 hours non-stop. I could have wasted my time away drinking and partying. I could have spent hours flicking through photos on facebook. I could have become addicted to anything.
But none of that happened.
Now I feel thankful for my exhausting summer.
Filed under: Uncategorized
The headaches are increasing in frequency and they’re starting to worry me. I Googled up “headaches” and found that there are mainly two types of headaches. Tension headaches and migraines.
Tension headaches feel like a tight band around one’s head and is caused by contraction of the muscles in the scalp. They usually occur due to stress, tense shoulder muscles or neck muscles. Migraines are usually described as a throbbing sensation, usually occurring only on one side of the head. None of the websites that I visited described the pathology behind migraines so I don’t know exactly what goes on when the head throbs. I feel like my headaches are a hybrid of the two. And it always occurs at the back of my head on the right side. Sometimes it feels really tight, like it’s being pulled taut like a wrinkle in the skin and then sometimes it throbs in waves of dull pain. But it’s always the same spot. I remember this guy who spoke at our church once who told us about his discovery of a small tumor in his brain. It all started with the migraines that he would get at night. It turns out the tumor was not a cause for worry. But what if I had a tumor? At the age of 17, it’s pretty unlikely but you never know…
The internet isn’t much help either. The guidelines as to when it is necessary to consult a medical provider is so subjective. On one website it suggests that one should consult a medical provider when the headaches are “disrupting your academic work, home or social life.” How am I supposed to judge according to these guidelines? My headaches always disrupt my work. Usually I take a 10-minute break, gulp down a Tylenol pill and carry on. It’s even harder to know when it disrupts home or social life. Is it when we withdraw from our family or friends due to the pain? Some people withdraw with only the slightest pain. It is too ambiguous.
I suppose I’ll have to blame it on the stress. Surely the headaches will go away when school ends, but the journey will not be a nice one. I don’t want to visit a doctor just yet because I would rather be ignorant of my situation, so I think I’ll just see what happens as the days go by and pray desperately that the headaches don’t visit me again.
Filed under: Uncategorized
The power of advertisement cannot be underestimated. Today when I checked my website I almost jumped out of my chair when the blog hits became a grandiose “39″. Before this special day, it had stayed at “29″ for almost 3 weeks and out of those 29 hits, 26 of them were because I viewed my site through a different browser.
The secret to this phenomenon was when I posted my blog’s address on my screen name on msn yesterday. Only within a day, I received ten hits. I would say that was remarkable. For an amateurish site like mine, I was elated! By simply posting it onto my screen name, people were hooked. It tickles my mind to wonder what would happen if I posted this site’s address everywhere. How would people react if I put flyers all around school? It’s a psychological experiment in itself.
On the other hand, maybe these stats merely show how bored people are. Or maybe it shows how addicted people are to the internet, and how willing they are to waste their time checking out this humble site. But hey, it’s a start.
Filed under: Uncategorized
The thunderstorm was great. It was both scary and awesome. The force of the rain drops with the occasional crack of thunder made the world look completely different. Everything turned a muted gray with the red traffic light shining out from nowhere. It reminded me of a horror movie. I even started thinking, some time soon an apparition would show itself outside my window. It would be a girl with long hair (isn’t it always?) and she’d be staring straight ahead (once again, as always). That would be pretty cool. Unfortunately, there are no ghosts. People imagine them merely to get that thrill from the uncomfortable suspense and imminent shock. A doctor once said, “For the many years that I’ve worked in the hospital, there has never been a patient that has died of fright from seeing a ghost.” Quite true.
I particularly enjoyed the lightning. It flashed sporadically and quite frequently too. It felt like there was a big camera hiding behind the sky, taking pictures of us. I kept instinctively turning around to see who was taking pictures but it was just the sky playing tricks on me. Thunderstorms are fun.
Filed under: Blogs
I am finally done writing. I’ve been writing and getting distracted the whole day. I think I have a mild case of internet addiction. Even when I know I have to finish what I’m doing, I try desperately to conjure up some website I can check out. I don’t think that’s a good sign.
Anyway the writing has totally burned me out. I’ve been sitting on my butt for four hours in a row and the fat keeps growing. At least that’s what it feels like. When I feel blocked and blank, I take a walk around the apartment where there isn’t much space to walk anyway. I desperately want to get out of this stuffy apartment and breathe some fresh air given occasional whiffs of engine exhaust. Just to take a walk in a larger vicinity would be nice. A walk. Not a run. That would be really nice. Sometimes the weather is so beautiful, I just can’t possibly turn it down but I do anyway. After I graduate, I’ll go out everyday and celebrate the weather when I can, just to give it some credit. But for now, I’m still in my room writing this and probably will be doing something of the like for the next 24 hours.
Filed under: Blogs
My legs are dragging themselves through the humid air. A warm breeze wraps around my body and the pressure of it makes me nauseous. Everything around me seems to be steaming, blurring the edges of the track and the trees. The obstacles loom ahead, like little giants standing in a straight line before me. As I slowly approach them, I attempt to jump over them like hurdles in a race. But then, I am face to face with the vicious monster and with a thump of its club I am beaten to the ground. Undeterred, I push myself up again and look wearily around me, searching for the finish line. Where is the finish line? There is no finish line.
The track bursts into flames and the giants encircle me as they multiply as far as the horizon where the sun is emanating sharp piercing rays. I take up my sword and I slash and hack at what I can with one eye open. This is an interminable war that will only end with death. Mine or Goliath’s. This is not a race for the fittest. It has never been. Only then do I realize there is no finish line. This is war.
