as queer as a clockwork orange

The chaos is in equilibrium again at home. It’s really nice to have my brother back again. We’re all just a happier bunch. It’s as if I was let out of the lion cage when my brother returned. I could go crazy high! And it was okay. At least I had someone to dance with when all apps were said and done. At least I had someone to run with. I almost forgot how wonderfully exhausting and enjoyable running is even if it’s in circles on the track. And I also almost wanted to punch myself for being so unforgivingly out of shape. My legs are still sore after running six laps. Six. I used to run twenty.

Running in circles, or rather extended semi-circles, allowed me time to think. What I realized was that I really can not wait to get out of this school. I can’t wait to strip myself from the people who have cheated their way through high school but still complain about life. I can’t wait to say goodbye to the friends who have lied and betrayed others. As I round the last 200 m of my tenth lap today, I realize I can’t wait to leave the past behind.

As I was walking home today after having finished a deadly relay of science exams, I had a few thoughts on my mind. First of all, my chemistry exam killed me at 9:30 am. Then, at about 1:00 pm, the short answers on the physics exam killed me again. It’s not fun being murdered twice, and by exams too.
While I dragged my feet on the ground and looked reasonably glum, I really wished that I could live my life again and make things right. Sadly, there is no such opportunity. I guess I’ll just have to stick with what I’ve got and move on…and try to prevent myself from falling into the evil hands of calculus tomorrow at 12:00 pm.

I promised myself I would never become an addict but recently, considering the events that are going on (exams and more exams), I find myself drawn to the beautifully red and merry cup. I even have favorites now. I drank latte once and I never looked back because I fell in love with mocha. And then the cravings started creeping up on me every night until it became a ritual. My mocha ritual. Yum.

I really should stop drinking caffeinated beverages. It’s not a good way to live. It’s as if the caffeine is the only thing keeping you alive, and everything you do while you’re on caffeine just has no value any more. It’s the caffeine that did it, not you.

Since nobody visits my site anyway, I’m going to take some time to rant.
You know what’s wrong with me? You guys are wrong with me. Either way, I die. If I work hard, I don’t work hard enough. If I slack off, I’m a complete failure. There’s always something wrong with me. I don’t organize my time well enough. I attend too many school events. Gosh, do you guys want me to completely lose my social life? I don’t have much of a social life anymore and you guys still want to strip that little slice of social life I still have away from me? That’s just cruel you know. But I can’t tell you that, because you won’t listen to me. You don’t trust me. Why? I really don’t understand. Actually, I take that back. I do understand. Ever since my brother left, I was the only child. The single one and only child. And because you feel you have a responsibility towards your children, instead of splitting equal attention to the both of us (me and my brother), all the attention is directed at me. You track my every move and I have to spend so much time explaining each and every thing I do. I’m just so tired of constantly being paranoid that I’m going to do something wrong, and then feel like a complete failure all over again. And it’s ridiculous what little things make me feel like a failure. Like showering really late and risking getting a cold? WHAT? I’m NOT gonna get a cold from showering late and it’s FINE showering late. There’s nothing unethical about showering late. Seriously, guys, it’s just a shower. Yet you treat that single misdoing as if I’ve failed my entire life. I want to be in control of my life but you guys just constantly want to pull that away from me. Okay. So I let you control my life. But then, when I do something wrong, it’s all my fault. There’s something wrong with that picture.
I used to actually enjoy school. Yes, you saw it. ENJOY. I loved the thrill of actually doing well in my classes, of truly succeeding. But now, I always feel like a failure and whenever I don’t do so well, my self-esteem just plummets down into a black hole. And when I’m in that black hole, you just want to hammer that fact in even more. Push me further and further into the void. I know all of this that I’m saying can sound really spoiled. Some people might say, “Well, you’re lucky enough to have parents who care about you.” But I’m on that other extreme. My parents care TOO MUCH. What’s worse? Parents who don’t care and leave you alone to face the world? Or parents who care too much, expecting you to become some genius and prodigy and frickin perfect child? Either way, the child is gonna suffer from depression. No, I haven’t come to that point yet because I constantly keep myself sane by trying to believe in myself and trying to fight it out on my own. But the problem is, it’s getting harder and harder to believe in myself. It’s getting harder and harder to stand back up when I’m all beat up on the sidewalk. And you know what, I’m never going to succumb. Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how much you trample on me and reprimand me, I’m going to finish my high school career my way. I’m not going to let your expectations overpower my motivation and drive to succeed on my own.

In case you haven’t seen the blaringly large picture of the new Amazon Kindle on the front cover of Newsweek, here it is:

As I was browsing through the Kinokuniya bookstore, I happened upon this most white and amazing cover.
And my heart stopped. For a millisecond.
Then I quickly grabbed one of the many clones of Newsweeks sitting on the shelf. I flipped through the pages until my eyes landed on the story about this miracle Kindle. Yes, the iPod of books has finally arrived. I never would have imagined that anyone would have the courage to create a digital reader like the Kindle, it’s almost unethical. I always thought that books were books. It’s impossible to replace the covers, the pages, the smell. But Amazon claims that they have done just that (with the exception of the smell). The screen has supposedly the same look as the pages of a book, so it doesn’t have the glare of LCD screens. But what they emphasize most about Kindle is the user’s ability to buy books using this device anytime, anywhere. Digital books are then immediately sent to the device. No need to sync with the PC. Entirely wireless. Holds up to 200 novels. Very impressive, I must admit. For a moment, I craved for one too. But only for a very very minute and insignificant moment.

After that pang of material craving, I felt depressed and sad that the whole world was turning digital. Soon humans are going to turn into ones and zeros. People are listening to thousands of songs on their iPods, not truly appreciating the sound quality of what are now called “old-school” CD’s. Our school is developing the one-on-one laptop initiative. I can just imagine the problems teachers will have interacting with the students who are all staring intensely at the screens of their laptops. I’m already feeling that barrier between teacher and student whenever I walk into a classroom and I see the teacher clicking and tapping away at his tablet PC. I greet the teacher hello, he hesitates for a moment, and then responds. Throughout this whole scene, his eyes never leave the screen of his tablet PC. It seems as if the teacher prefers interacting with his tablet PC than with his students.

But back to the Kindle. In order to express my opinion on this seemingly miraculous device, I’ll describe a scenario: Wow. This device is great. I’ll buy ten books a day, each only for ten dollars. So now I have 200 books in my Kindle. I can slowly read them on the MRT, on the bus, in the toilet. The possibilities are endless! One day, I’m rushing towards the moving bus with my handy Kindle in hand. Someone nudges me and my Kindle comes flying out my hand and lands in front of the rear wheel of the bus. With a satisfying crack, the wheel crushes the Kindle, leaving a white mess on the road, and a stupefied self looking upon this scene in horror. My whole 200 book library complete with the annotations I made-gone. GONE. GONe. GOne. Gone. gone.