as queer as a clockwork orange

I know how I’m going to keep going. With God, anything is possible.

The US is a great place for education. It has some of the greatest academic institutions. And for an international student, it takes literally generations to get there. You would think it was a monumental achievement on its own, worthy of a pat on the back. So the international student arrives in the US, has a great time suffering to be the perfection the past generations had no hope of being. Relishes in the fact that they have to study all the money’s worth that was poured into tuition. Is absolutely thrilled at snatching all the scholarships that are out there to compensate for all that money. They get to bear the burden of all the dreams that their past ancestors had ever dreamt of: respectable job, hordes of money, fame, power, ability to dominate in conversations during family reunions. Then they meet an arrogant ABC who, upon discovering your ignorance, poses the question, “You don’t know the three branches of government?”

I reply a weak “no.” The air turns black and time stops. Humans stop breathing. Facebook stops existing. Everything is going to collapse and by a stroke of fate all international students who are oblivious to the three branches of government will be dead and arrogant ABC’s will be miraculously alive. Shame on you. Shame. How could you not know the three branches of government? If you’re going to study here, you have to know how things work around here.

Excuse you, but I am an international student. I really don’t care how things work in this messed up place. And I’m sorry I elected to never take AP US history in high school. Sure, ignorance shouldn’t be used as an excuse but arrogance shouldn’t be used to discriminate against people who are rightfully and legally living in this place. International students are not citizens. Maybe I should clear up the ignorance you guys have of the process we have to go through in order to even get into this country. First, we have to get a visa. A student visa. Know what that is? It is the entire glory of being a victim of extreme terrorist paranoia and forehead slapping inefficiency. After you get your I-20 from whatever institution you’ll be studying at, you have to sign up for an interview with the US embassy. You sign up at 7:30 am in the morning. You get there. Wait in line until 8:30 while being bossed around by arrogant guards who so cleverly state that we have a right to stand under the shade. Then, you go in, strip yourself of everything except passport, forms, and ID. And clothes. Time to wait in line for another half hour shifting from seat to seat, line to line until you reach a booth that checks your forms. Return to the line. Wait another half hour watching a video about how to correctly place your fingers on the fingerprint scanner so if you become a criminal in the US they can catch you snap fast. Now shift from the sitting down line to the standing line. Get your fingerprints scanned. Then wait in line for the interview. You watch the interviews of those in front of you. There are three interviewers. There’s that nasty woman who keeps asking ridiculous questions. Oh my horror. She just shoved a rejection letter to a girl who forgot to bring her transcript. The girl stands there dumbfounded while the nasty woman yells, “Next!” Completely shattered. Please, please, please, do not let the nasty woman be my interviewer. And oh joy, I just always seem to get what I do not want the most. She had all this power and I was powerless. I think it was a good thing I sounded American. The US has all this power and I am powerless.

Please don’t tell us to know how the US works. We don’t come here to help you govern your country. We come here to get an education just because you happen to have the best. We help your economy. We boost your reputation. I don’t even want to get into why you are the best because I will make myself appear extremely racist and unfair, even though I may seem so already. I just find it sad that people of my own ethnicity have acquired such nationalism for this country that they feel it obligatory that anyone who comes to this country just must know. That is plain ridiculous. It’s like telling someone who has no power to vote to just know exactly what’s going on with the whole presidential debate. It’s like force-feeding fried grasshoppers to foreign students studying in Cambodia. That’s just pure disrespectful. Maybe, just maybe, if the US did something about the visa process so that everyone who tries to get a visa doesn’t feel so utterly naked, I would have more respect. And how about dealing with that inefficiency. I have a theory: putting all the booths into one booth. Fewer lines, shorter lines. It’s ingenious, isn’t it.

The US is a powerful country. Sure. Just don’t be bossy and arrogant. Not attractive. Not at all.

“I adore you, by the way.” – Lexie Grey

Why is it so easy to slip into mediocrity? Why does it take so much effort to overcome the indifferent mindset? Why does it even matter?

I wish life were just a straight line or maybe just a dot. A colorless dot of existence. That way, everything around us will not be unnecessary sources of distraction in our messed up lives. Our minds will not distort and pervert everything we perceive. We will not be slaves to our emotions; the emotions that murder our sanity. Sometimes I wonder where I cross the line between goal and obsession; success and domination. My chem exam result did leave me relatively pain-free in terms of my mental health but I surprised even myself when I felt such a rush of jealousy and anger towards the ones who set the curve that for a moment, I seriously considered changing my whole lifestyle just to ensure the next time I’d be on top. How could it be that I felt such an indifference in high school towards academics and suddenly after two months in college have such a selfish drive to be the possessor of the high score. Is this simply renewed motivation or is it a light bringing out the worst in me? I should be rejoicing, and yet I’m still not satisfied. What’s happening to me?

And why is it so hard to trust someone and to fully believe that they are of good intention? This constant distrust continually keeps me from forming close relationships even with people I have the most respect for. They say give and take. Take and give. When does it end? When will it ever become a relationship so strong that it doesn’t matter anymore? It seems impossible to be able to break through this superficiality that makes me think I’m being used somehow.

I have to get some things straight. But how?

It amazes me how much I have injured myself ever since college started. My fingers get cut up frequently by the plastic sides of binders, I crash my knees against tables, stub my toes against my desk, practice so much that my shoulder is unable to move a millimeter without excruciating pain piercing through my back shoulder muscles. By the time I get back to Taiwan I’ll be covered with war scars. That’s what college is all about, right?

Let’s just hope I do well on the chem exam and keep the pain relatively physical.